Expecting people to love us…

As trauma survivors, we have such a great need to be loved and accepted.  Sometimes when we find a group where we feel accepted- we can get ahead of ourselves.

Sometimes people love us, but we can still say/do things that people don’t like and aren’t ok with.  They have the right to make a boundary with us.  We have the right to feel hurt.  We also must be able to see that just because someone set a boundary with us doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us.  It also doesn’t necessarily mean that someone doesn’t like us or that we should change who we believe ourselves to be.

So many of us trauma survivors have difficulty setting boundaries, and accepting OTHER people’s boundaries.

We hear so much about how we need to create boundaries, let people know when they are in a not ok zone, etc.  We forget that other people also have boundaries, and we should respect them once it’s been set.

Does someone setting a boundary mean that there’s something wrong with us?

Somewhere deep in our childhood, we got the idea that we should telepathically know what is ok and not ok for other people and our interactions with them.  We are taught that we should just KNOW what social norms are out there.  Unfortunately, for so many of us- social norms haven’t been true inour own homes.  The norms we grow up with are very different than some of the norms in the outside world.

That being said, it means as adults- we are definitely going to violate people’s boundaries (and so many non-trauma survivors deal with the same issues).  Some of us may overshare with someone.  Sometimes, we may give someone a hug at an inappropriate moment.  Sometimes we don’t know what they hell to do or say in a situation.

It’s ok if we mess it up.

People have spent their childhoods learning the boundaries and norms.  Trauma survivors usually haven’t had the luxury of a stable home environment.  Trauma survivors often have mixed ideas about other people and what being liked, accepted, or authentic means.

Often times, part of recovery from trauma is an awakening of your authentic self.

Live Authentically

Living authentically, doesn’t mean people will like or accept you.  It means that you are being you.  Truly living authentically means you are able to take the criticisms (constructive or not), accept the feelings you have about them, and move on.

Living authentically does not mean changing who you are for people.  It does mean evolving as a person.  Integrating what’s useful with who you believe you are as a person.  It means feeling the hurt when someone tells you what you did was not ok.  Understanding your hurt, and then understanding their perception of what you said/did/etc.

You don’t have to get defensive.  You just have to examine, understand, and integrate or not integrate the information with your authentic self.

Learning boundaries means learning your own, AND other people’s.  Respecting boundaries without feeling disrespected.  I mean, we love our friends- but we probably don’t appreciate 2 am drunk phone calls while the kids are sleeping.  A boundary doesn’t mean you don’t want to be friends, it means you want the friendship to work!